This Christmas due to Mrs Canal Ways being sick with tinsil-itus we had a different sort of Christmas than normal. No sitting with family relations getting abuse about hair length, lack of job, lack of driving skill, about putting on weight, not doing a bakery course, not having new clothes etc, (well not at least until Boxing Day). No instead it was a quiet Christmas when I read a biography about cod.
There is something about the sea and trawlers that connects with me so I enjoyed the book. It was also sad at the way we have plundered a seemingly boundless ‘resource’ in the belief that nature is boundless and will always give and the way we humans don’t seem to learn our lessons that although the earth is big and has some wiggle room it is limited as well. Those who deny that the earth’s atmosphere will fix itself no matter how much we pollute the atmosphere are of a similar bent.
Last night at 3.00am the bed sheets and duvets folded and lay to look like the sea, and I felt like I was floating adrift in the ocean alone in elements beyond my control. I felt so alone and aware of my loneliness, despite having H____ asleep no more than 2ft away.
Loneliness is probably a killer and I am probably lonely. I have made few friends since I moved to the north, being a mixture of tired, low, full of bitterness, scared, missing other places that I felt at home in. It’s been a ‘mare the last year and 4months, and lying there in my bed last night with duvets that looked like sea breakers I felt worried that I have reached some type of acceptance with things just being rubbish and grim.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.