sea breakers / 88

Last night at 3.00am the bed sheets and duvets folded and lay to look like the sea, and I felt like I was floating  adrift in the ocean alone in elements beyond my control. I felt so alone and aware of my loneliness, despite having H____ asleep no more than 2ft away.
Loneliness is probably a killer and I am probably lonely. I have made few friends since I moved to the north, being a mixture of tired, low, full of bitterness, scared, missing other places that I felt at home in. It’s been a ‘mare the last year and 4months, and lying there in my bed last night with duvets that looked like sea breakers I felt worried that I have reached some type of acceptance with things just  being rubbish and grim.


7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.