long nights

It’s one of the darkest for longest days of the year.
There is a storm in the garden.
The sun isn’t up yet.
I’m in the dark.

When I was a bit younger I used to feel like it was easier to be honest with other people about how I was really doing inside.
10 years ago I used to write songs about what was going on inside me and express things that way. If it was self absorbed like a teenagers journal I didn’t care, I just wanted to get it from inside me and out instead of absorbing it into myself.

Then I moved to Belfast. I never wanted to go and perhaps I ended up resenting it a bit. I hoped that although I knew it would be difficult that I’d settle in the church and area and grow to love it.
I never did.
Things went the other way. I found the Lagan Valley dark and cold, gloomy and grey. One of my first experiences of Lisburn was going to get my hair cut and the hairdresser taking the piss out of my hair and sneering.

Nowadays I don’t feel that I can express myself with honesty. It’s like you have to bury how you’re really feeling or doing.

Firstly I’m more aware of being married, that I might be dragging someone else into proceedings if I write a song that says how I’m doing. 10 yrs ago I wasn’t married so an honest song wasn’t so tangled up in another relationship. And other relationships like family members.

Then I’ve taken onboard church family.
10 years ago I wasn’t married to the minister of a church. So if church and Christianity is doing my head in it’s not as easy as writing a blog and saying what’s annoying me. You’re suddenly married to the person who most likely has to deal with the stuff you might be moaning about or find difficult. You don’t want to make their life more difficult or complicate things by saying what you find difficult .

You are also more aware of people getting older and how the responsibility of being a mature voice or example might now fall on you. You might feel like there is an onus on you to be a tower of strength or to make sure people get through things as you’ve been blessed by people being that way to you and now it’s time to give something back. So perhaps you ‘suck it up’ a bit because you think that it have to be strong for the sake of other people who seem to be having a tougher time.

What do you do though when you feel weak and inept? Or when you’re aware of being all over the place and just about coping and that you haven’t even had things that bad happen.
I’m aware that I haven’t had to cope with a lot of personal tragedy in my life. So the question I ask myself is how I will cope when it does happen. If I feel this inept so far how will I cope when the hard things come?

It’s one of the darkest for longest days of the year.
There is a storm in the garden.
The sun isn’t up yet.
I’m in the dark.

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