Although I like to mostly scan in badly drawn ink drawings and put them online there are lots of serious things floating about in my head. The problem I find is trying to express them or get them out, to talk about them at the right time with the right people. Do you know what I mean?
I’ve been trying to record a song a day during Lent. The idea was to try express some of the serious stuff, to go through a time of getting the bad crap stuff out in the open and record 40 bits of ‘music‘ before Easter.
But it’s a hard thing to be honest and it’s maybe not even a desirable thing when it comes to music. An honest song doesn’t equal a good song.
Then again maybe what we think of as a song or music, or have come to expect as music is the thing that is wrong?
We listen to music with prejudiced ears, ears that have come to expect certain norms. That we can make out the lyrics, that a song isn’t too long or isn’t too short. That it has a certain structure or the person singing it isn’t out of tune. Perhaps thats me trying to cover my bases or something, I don’t know.
And we’re a bit intolerant (well I am at any rate) of music that doesn’t press the pleasure buttons in our ears.
I guess the reason I’m thinking about it is because I never quite feel comfortable with the music I write and record. There is a certain sense in which I feel ashamed of it or something. And the reason for that is something which I’ve always struggled with (and probably will always struggle with) namely worrying what other people think about me or are saying about me behind my back.
There is no method of mental torture that quite goes for me than thinking that people are bad mouthing me behind my back. I hate the thought that someone only listens to the music or likes my drawings out of kindness or because they’re being nice.
And the strange thing is the more someone loves me (like my wife or family) the more inclined I am to feel ashamed about my music and hide it away. The honesty that radiates from your loved ones (because you can read them like a book even if they say nothing) is something that can really hurt you or them. So I hide my music from H___, my brothers and sisters. I can’t sing in front of them with nerves.